January 27, 2009
How to annoy your classmates in six easy steps
1. Arrive to your 45-minute-long class with 20 minutes remaining. Slam the door behind you, passing several open seats in the front of the class (while letting your enormous backpack bounce off each table as you walk) and go straight to the back row where there is one empty spot in the corner. Climb over/through those already seated without making eye contact.
2. After finally taking your seat, drop your horse-sized backpack on your neighbor's foot. Start unzipping your seemingly unending layers of outerwear as loudly as possible while coughing vigorously. Don't forget your fleece vest bro!
3. Immediately allow your cell phone to start ringing and wait 45 seconds before reacting to its earsplitting tone. Rummage through your gargantuan rucksack, opening and closing a minimum of at least seven zippered pockets. Once you find the phone, answer it in a "whisper voice" several times louder than a regular voice. Tell the caller that you "just got to class" and that you will "hit them back" later. Fart inaudibly.
4. Only moments after retrieving the phone, start opening various pockets of your made-for-giants bag and, after some struggle, pull a bottle of vitamin water and a cellophane package of granola from its cavernous depths. Alternately shake out granola into your hand (with all the attendant crinkly noises from the packaging) and slurp down gulps of vitamin water. No doubt your trek from the natural resources building depleted all your energy! Truly, the most logical place to eat is the English class you showed up to 30 minutes late. Breathe heavily through your nose while chewing. Fart again, this time, audibly.
5. Begin to ask the instructor questions. When the instructor responds, do not under any circumstances, listen to what he says. Ask more questions, each one more self explanatory and obtuse than the last. Inadvertently elbow your neighbor while he furiously writes this very polemic.
6. Gather your multitude of belongings vociferously into your portable motor home of a bag and leave the class three minutes before it ends. Fart again as you walk out the door.
2. After finally taking your seat, drop your horse-sized backpack on your neighbor's foot. Start unzipping your seemingly unending layers of outerwear as loudly as possible while coughing vigorously. Don't forget your fleece vest bro!
3. Immediately allow your cell phone to start ringing and wait 45 seconds before reacting to its earsplitting tone. Rummage through your gargantuan rucksack, opening and closing a minimum of at least seven zippered pockets. Once you find the phone, answer it in a "whisper voice" several times louder than a regular voice. Tell the caller that you "just got to class" and that you will "hit them back" later. Fart inaudibly.
4. Only moments after retrieving the phone, start opening various pockets of your made-for-giants bag and, after some struggle, pull a bottle of vitamin water and a cellophane package of granola from its cavernous depths. Alternately shake out granola into your hand (with all the attendant crinkly noises from the packaging) and slurp down gulps of vitamin water. No doubt your trek from the natural resources building depleted all your energy! Truly, the most logical place to eat is the English class you showed up to 30 minutes late. Breathe heavily through your nose while chewing. Fart again, this time, audibly.
5. Begin to ask the instructor questions. When the instructor responds, do not under any circumstances, listen to what he says. Ask more questions, each one more self explanatory and obtuse than the last. Inadvertently elbow your neighbor while he furiously writes this very polemic.
6. Gather your multitude of belongings vociferously into your portable motor home of a bag and leave the class three minutes before it ends. Fart again as you walk out the door.
Labels: Chase the misanthrope
January 25, 2009
Mark Gormley goes to 11
Not to get too meta, but I've been carrying around a little pad of paper this week to write down ideas for future blog posts and all I have to show for it are the following hastily scribbled notes:
"The worst movies I've ever seen? The best movies? Movies? The?"
"All the crotches of my jeans are ripping this week!" (really, I mean this isn't a joke or anything)
"Harmonicas are kind of weird if you think about it"
"Why I don't like Sun Chips"
"I seem to go through floss a lot quicker than my roommates"
Although all of those topics are top notch, I think I will just use the lazy blogger's best friend: the funny you tube video.
By way of introduction, when I first saw this video I was convinced it was an elaborate parody produced by Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. No my friends, this is a brutally sincere attempt at a rockin' music video and it was made in the year 2008.
That was INTENSE right? I think Mark Gormley (who looks like he has to be a science teacher at a middle school) just rendered all future music superfluous by his sheer INTENSITY. Did you see the "power stance" he throws out at about 1:48? I can't imagine what the director would be saying to him as he was shooting: "OK good, keep standing ram-rod straight with your arms to your sides! Now shift your weight awkwardly to your right foot! Good! Again!"
More power stance!:
"The worst movies I've ever seen? The best movies? Movies? The?"
"All the crotches of my jeans are ripping this week!" (really, I mean this isn't a joke or anything)
"Harmonicas are kind of weird if you think about it"
"Why I don't like Sun Chips"
"I seem to go through floss a lot quicker than my roommates"
Although all of those topics are top notch, I think I will just use the lazy blogger's best friend: the funny you tube video.
By way of introduction, when I first saw this video I was convinced it was an elaborate parody produced by Cartoon Network's Adult Swim. No my friends, this is a brutally sincere attempt at a rockin' music video and it was made in the year 2008.
That was INTENSE right? I think Mark Gormley (who looks like he has to be a science teacher at a middle school) just rendered all future music superfluous by his sheer INTENSITY. Did you see the "power stance" he throws out at about 1:48? I can't imagine what the director would be saying to him as he was shooting: "OK good, keep standing ram-rod straight with your arms to your sides! Now shift your weight awkwardly to your right foot! Good! Again!"
More power stance!:
Labels: power stance
January 17, 2009
come see the flopsweat
Come see bandolier's first show. It's in about a month. Thanks.
January 13, 2009
The single gentleman's guide to gourmet cooking
Here are a few fine dining recipes I've put together using my sometimes limited resources:
1. The cinnamon sugar breakfast sandwich
Ingredients:
2 slices white wonder bread (at least three weeks old)
2 tablespoons margarine spread (left out on the counter for several days)
2 heaping spoonfuls cinnamon sugar (left over from a poorly executed and ill advised attempt at making apple crisp)
Butter one side of each of the slices of bread (with the margarine, not with actual butter) and then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar liberally over both slices. Stack the slices (butter side in!) one on top of the other so that a sandwich is formed. Serve with chilled milk (directly from milk jug) or tap water. Observe self-esteem decrease 7 units. Go back to sleep.
2. Sausage sourdough surprise
Ingredients:
2 slices sourdough bread bought on accident
1 turkey sausage link retrieved from back of refrigerator (may be expired)
3 slices Swiss cheese
Place one slice of the unusually large sourdough bread on a plate and then stack the sausage link followed by the cheese slices. Microwave for one minute or until "the smell" becomes noticeable. The cheese should be melted and the sausage will have turned an uncomfortable looking shade of purple. Top with ketchup and eat quickly to minimize the "taste." Resist the urge to vomit. Visit bathroom to wipe sweat off brow. Glance at your reflection in mirror and realize you no longer recognize yourself. Sob silently in fetal position.
3. The poor man's sloppy joe
Ingredients:
1 can tomato sauce/paste/Spaghetti O's
1 pound ground beef and/or reasonably priced soy substitute
2 week old hamburger buns (you may need to strategically remove the mold spots. Tip: If mold is widespread try using a potato peeler!)
Add tomato stuff to beef stuff and stir it around or whatever. Put it on the bun. Ponder your hollow, increasingly nightmarish existence while posting cryptic messages on stranger's facebook walls. Wash down with Big K brand orange soda which you then spill on your keyboard.
1. The cinnamon sugar breakfast sandwich
Ingredients:
2 slices white wonder bread (at least three weeks old)
2 tablespoons margarine spread (left out on the counter for several days)
2 heaping spoonfuls cinnamon sugar (left over from a poorly executed and ill advised attempt at making apple crisp)
Butter one side of each of the slices of bread (with the margarine, not with actual butter) and then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar liberally over both slices. Stack the slices (butter side in!) one on top of the other so that a sandwich is formed. Serve with chilled milk (directly from milk jug) or tap water. Observe self-esteem decrease 7 units. Go back to sleep.
2. Sausage sourdough surprise
Ingredients:
2 slices sourdough bread bought on accident
1 turkey sausage link retrieved from back of refrigerator (may be expired)
3 slices Swiss cheese
Place one slice of the unusually large sourdough bread on a plate and then stack the sausage link followed by the cheese slices. Microwave for one minute or until "the smell" becomes noticeable. The cheese should be melted and the sausage will have turned an uncomfortable looking shade of purple. Top with ketchup and eat quickly to minimize the "taste." Resist the urge to vomit. Visit bathroom to wipe sweat off brow. Glance at your reflection in mirror and realize you no longer recognize yourself. Sob silently in fetal position.
3. The poor man's sloppy joe
Ingredients:
1 can tomato sauce/paste/Spaghetti O's
1 pound ground beef and/or reasonably priced soy substitute
2 week old hamburger buns (you may need to strategically remove the mold spots. Tip: If mold is widespread try using a potato peeler!)
Add tomato stuff to beef stuff and stir it around or whatever. Put it on the bun. Ponder your hollow, increasingly nightmarish existence while posting cryptic messages on stranger's facebook walls. Wash down with Big K brand orange soda which you then spill on your keyboard.
January 6, 2009
I will judge you based on your political bumper stickers
I try to stay away from posting anything political on here, not because I'm afraid of offending anyone, but because I just don't want to have to explain myself. The problem with studying political science is that since you become accustomed to taking a macro view of every issue or institution, you are immediately suspicious of anyone who is ready to identify themselves as a "hardcore" anything.
As soon as I know someone is an avid Republican or Democrat, I can pretty much guarantee that they will have nothing interesting (to me) to say about politics. I already know their basic views on most issues and I can then predictably chart the path that the conversation will take.
This is also the problem I have with political bumper stickers. If you want to be reduced to a walking (or more specifically, driving) stereotype, go ahead and plaster political bumper stickers all over your car. It actually makes things easier for me. For example, look at this truck:
All he needs is a sticker that says, "I pretend that my racist and xenophobic beliefs are actually political viewpoints" or maybe, "If I had a chance I would shoot an Arab in the head with a huge gun and not feel bad about it."
Unfortunately, it's not just right wing nut jobs that do this. Check out this Prius:
This guy might as well put one on there that says, "I have a bag of weed in my glove box" or "Even my poop is carbon neutral."
My point is: don't do this. I could go on about other terrible car stickers (peeing Calvin, among others) but I think you get the point.
As soon as I know someone is an avid Republican or Democrat, I can pretty much guarantee that they will have nothing interesting (to me) to say about politics. I already know their basic views on most issues and I can then predictably chart the path that the conversation will take.
This is also the problem I have with political bumper stickers. If you want to be reduced to a walking (or more specifically, driving) stereotype, go ahead and plaster political bumper stickers all over your car. It actually makes things easier for me. For example, look at this truck:
All he needs is a sticker that says, "I pretend that my racist and xenophobic beliefs are actually political viewpoints" or maybe, "If I had a chance I would shoot an Arab in the head with a huge gun and not feel bad about it."
Unfortunately, it's not just right wing nut jobs that do this. Check out this Prius:
This guy might as well put one on there that says, "I have a bag of weed in my glove box" or "Even my poop is carbon neutral."
My point is: don't do this. I could go on about other terrible car stickers (peeing Calvin, among others) but I think you get the point.
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
