January 27, 2009
How to annoy your classmates in six easy steps
1. Arrive to your 45-minute-long class with 20 minutes remaining. Slam the door behind you, passing several open seats in the front of the class (while letting your enormous backpack bounce off each table as you walk) and go straight to the back row where there is one empty spot in the corner. Climb over/through those already seated without making eye contact.
2. After finally taking your seat, drop your horse-sized backpack on your neighbor's foot. Start unzipping your seemingly unending layers of outerwear as loudly as possible while coughing vigorously. Don't forget your fleece vest bro!
3. Immediately allow your cell phone to start ringing and wait 45 seconds before reacting to its earsplitting tone. Rummage through your gargantuan rucksack, opening and closing a minimum of at least seven zippered pockets. Once you find the phone, answer it in a "whisper voice" several times louder than a regular voice. Tell the caller that you "just got to class" and that you will "hit them back" later. Fart inaudibly.
4. Only moments after retrieving the phone, start opening various pockets of your made-for-giants bag and, after some struggle, pull a bottle of vitamin water and a cellophane package of granola from its cavernous depths. Alternately shake out granola into your hand (with all the attendant crinkly noises from the packaging) and slurp down gulps of vitamin water. No doubt your trek from the natural resources building depleted all your energy! Truly, the most logical place to eat is the English class you showed up to 30 minutes late. Breathe heavily through your nose while chewing. Fart again, this time, audibly.
5. Begin to ask the instructor questions. When the instructor responds, do not under any circumstances, listen to what he says. Ask more questions, each one more self explanatory and obtuse than the last. Inadvertently elbow your neighbor while he furiously writes this very polemic.
6. Gather your multitude of belongings vociferously into your portable motor home of a bag and leave the class three minutes before it ends. Fart again as you walk out the door.
2. After finally taking your seat, drop your horse-sized backpack on your neighbor's foot. Start unzipping your seemingly unending layers of outerwear as loudly as possible while coughing vigorously. Don't forget your fleece vest bro!
3. Immediately allow your cell phone to start ringing and wait 45 seconds before reacting to its earsplitting tone. Rummage through your gargantuan rucksack, opening and closing a minimum of at least seven zippered pockets. Once you find the phone, answer it in a "whisper voice" several times louder than a regular voice. Tell the caller that you "just got to class" and that you will "hit them back" later. Fart inaudibly.
4. Only moments after retrieving the phone, start opening various pockets of your made-for-giants bag and, after some struggle, pull a bottle of vitamin water and a cellophane package of granola from its cavernous depths. Alternately shake out granola into your hand (with all the attendant crinkly noises from the packaging) and slurp down gulps of vitamin water. No doubt your trek from the natural resources building depleted all your energy! Truly, the most logical place to eat is the English class you showed up to 30 minutes late. Breathe heavily through your nose while chewing. Fart again, this time, audibly.
5. Begin to ask the instructor questions. When the instructor responds, do not under any circumstances, listen to what he says. Ask more questions, each one more self explanatory and obtuse than the last. Inadvertently elbow your neighbor while he furiously writes this very polemic.
6. Gather your multitude of belongings vociferously into your portable motor home of a bag and leave the class three minutes before it ends. Fart again as you walk out the door.
Labels: Chase the misanthrope
# posted by McDirty @ Tuesday, January 27, 2009 
Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
