January 13, 2009
The single gentleman's guide to gourmet cooking
Here are a few fine dining recipes I've put together using my sometimes limited resources:
1. The cinnamon sugar breakfast sandwich
Ingredients:
2 slices white wonder bread (at least three weeks old)
2 tablespoons margarine spread (left out on the counter for several days)
2 heaping spoonfuls cinnamon sugar (left over from a poorly executed and ill advised attempt at making apple crisp)
Butter one side of each of the slices of bread (with the margarine, not with actual butter) and then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar liberally over both slices. Stack the slices (butter side in!) one on top of the other so that a sandwich is formed. Serve with chilled milk (directly from milk jug) or tap water. Observe self-esteem decrease 7 units. Go back to sleep.
2. Sausage sourdough surprise
Ingredients:
2 slices sourdough bread bought on accident
1 turkey sausage link retrieved from back of refrigerator (may be expired)
3 slices Swiss cheese
Place one slice of the unusually large sourdough bread on a plate and then stack the sausage link followed by the cheese slices. Microwave for one minute or until "the smell" becomes noticeable. The cheese should be melted and the sausage will have turned an uncomfortable looking shade of purple. Top with ketchup and eat quickly to minimize the "taste." Resist the urge to vomit. Visit bathroom to wipe sweat off brow. Glance at your reflection in mirror and realize you no longer recognize yourself. Sob silently in fetal position.
3. The poor man's sloppy joe
Ingredients:
1 can tomato sauce/paste/Spaghetti O's
1 pound ground beef and/or reasonably priced soy substitute
2 week old hamburger buns (you may need to strategically remove the mold spots. Tip: If mold is widespread try using a potato peeler!)
Add tomato stuff to beef stuff and stir it around or whatever. Put it on the bun. Ponder your hollow, increasingly nightmarish existence while posting cryptic messages on stranger's facebook walls. Wash down with Big K brand orange soda which you then spill on your keyboard.
1. The cinnamon sugar breakfast sandwich
Ingredients:
2 slices white wonder bread (at least three weeks old)
2 tablespoons margarine spread (left out on the counter for several days)
2 heaping spoonfuls cinnamon sugar (left over from a poorly executed and ill advised attempt at making apple crisp)
Butter one side of each of the slices of bread (with the margarine, not with actual butter) and then sprinkle the cinnamon sugar liberally over both slices. Stack the slices (butter side in!) one on top of the other so that a sandwich is formed. Serve with chilled milk (directly from milk jug) or tap water. Observe self-esteem decrease 7 units. Go back to sleep.
2. Sausage sourdough surprise
Ingredients:
2 slices sourdough bread bought on accident
1 turkey sausage link retrieved from back of refrigerator (may be expired)
3 slices Swiss cheese
Place one slice of the unusually large sourdough bread on a plate and then stack the sausage link followed by the cheese slices. Microwave for one minute or until "the smell" becomes noticeable. The cheese should be melted and the sausage will have turned an uncomfortable looking shade of purple. Top with ketchup and eat quickly to minimize the "taste." Resist the urge to vomit. Visit bathroom to wipe sweat off brow. Glance at your reflection in mirror and realize you no longer recognize yourself. Sob silently in fetal position.
3. The poor man's sloppy joe
Ingredients:
1 can tomato sauce/paste/Spaghetti O's
1 pound ground beef and/or reasonably priced soy substitute
2 week old hamburger buns (you may need to strategically remove the mold spots. Tip: If mold is widespread try using a potato peeler!)
Add tomato stuff to beef stuff and stir it around or whatever. Put it on the bun. Ponder your hollow, increasingly nightmarish existence while posting cryptic messages on stranger's facebook walls. Wash down with Big K brand orange soda which you then spill on your keyboard.
# posted by McDirty @ Tuesday, January 13, 2009 
Comments:
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Chase, this is my new favorite post, passing "clone wars" and the poem of the first Thanksgiving on my list of favorites.
You forgot to add burnt tuna helper, which always ends in punching the smoke detector repeatedly until it falls from the ceiling.
My husband says people are either born funny or they aren't. You were obviously born with a mutant everything that will come from my mouth will slay you gene because you are probably one of the funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of blog stalking. You are absolutely adorable! Now go find someone to cook for you so you don't eat expired turkey links anymore.
I agree with Ashlii Brooke. Go find someone to cook for you so you don't have to eat that crap anymore. If there is anyone out there that could line him up, his Mom would appreciate it.
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# posted by 
: January 14, 2009 at 2:03 PM
: January 14, 2009 at 2:03 PM Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
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