The Death of Enthusiasm

As part of my ongoing effort to show everyone how not gay I am, I decided to make a list of my (FEMALE!) pop-culture crushes. It started off well, with your standard picks like Rashida Jones.

So Pretty!

Team Karen forever!





Alison Brie from Community is also good looking:




In addition to these, I was going to add Mila Kunis, but then for some reason I started thinking about how she looks like a young Linda Ronstadt. Example:



Interesting! She was very attractive! Add that to her HUGE voice and that puts her above most modern day chicks I can think of.

Here she is singing with Johnny Cash. Sign me up!



AND SO, that gave me an idea to write an all-time list of hot girls regardless of their respective places on the space/time continuum.

HERE THEY ARE:

1. Ellen Barkin:



Until recently, I only knew this lady as the one with way too much plastic surgery who gets seduced by Matt Damon in Ocean's 13. However, I happened to see The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension recently, starring Peter Weller. (PETER WELLER, WHO LATER BECAME THE LEGENDARY ROBOCOP!)

It's an incredibly bizarre movie with stilted dialog and a nonsensical plot...yet I really liked it. I probably couldn't convince anyone to sit through the whole thing with me, but just trust me on this one. It's the good kind of awful.

The thing is, Ellen Barkin was actually really pretty and unique looking when she was young! Good job young Ellen Barkin! Here's the trailer:





2. Stevie Nicks

Ok so, Stevie Nicks was really hot in the mid seventies. I can see why the whole band wanted to commit adultery with her. Well done mid-seventies Stevie Nicks! Sorry about your cocaine addiction! (Not really.)






3. Jennifer Connelly

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "HEY JENNIFER CONNELLY ISN'T THAT OLD YOU JERK. WHAT KIND OF JERK ARE YOU?"

I know! She's not very old, and she's still very good looking!

HOWEVER MY FRIENDS, I maintain that Jennifer Connelly circa 1991 in The Rocketeer was probably the most attractive person of all time. PROOF:



4. Emmylou Harris:

Whoops! So many musicans! Sorry guyz, I can't control it. I'm like a male version of those girls who think any guy who can sing is attractive. Does anyone know a girl who can play the autoharp? I'll propose on the spot!

Double whoops! Now that I've looked up some photos, I think Emmylou Harris is actually better looking as an older lady with silver hair.





See...right?

Actually, I think I might have overshared on this one.

In conclusion: Great job attractive ladies! You really are quite attractive!

Labels: crushes, lists

Those of you who have read a few posts on my blog may have noticed that I like to make lists. I like lists because it's easier than writing actual paragraphs filled with sentences, and they also appeal to my selective OCD that forces me to use orderly bullet points or numbers to break up large blocks of text.

Anyway, here are my top five TV characters of the 00's (How do you say that? The oughts?) I made a rule for myself that I could only use one character per program, just to widen the variety a little bit:

5. Murray Hewitt (Flight of the Conchords)

I hadn't seen any Flight of the Conchords for a while, but Dan just bought season 2 on DVD, so I've been reminded of how much I like the character of Murray. Without Murray the show would only be a collection of moderately amusing music parodies. Murray provides the much needed (and somewhat melancholy) anchor to the Conchord's dry, fish-out-of-water shtick.

Rhys Darby's delivery of his lines is so perfect, I'm surprised he hasn't popped up in more movies. This scene always kills me, especially his understanding of the bass guitar being the "dad guitar."




4. Tracy Jordan (30 Rock)

30 Rock really has a great ensemble cast with Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jack McBrayer, and Jena Maroney all contributing to its greatness. However, there is one reason I started watching the show in the first place and that is Tracy Morgan's manic portrayal of the barely fictionalized version of himself, "Tracy Jordan." He taught me to live every week like it was shark week, and for that I am grateful. BANTER!



3. Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

I'm amazed that Larry David (the character) somehow manages to gather enough of the audience's sympathy to make a watchable TV show. After I see a few episodes of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" I start feeling annoyed by everything--it's like Larry David's Larry Davidness rubs off on you in a terrible way.



2. GOB Bluth (Arrested Development)

GOB Bluth will always hold a special place in my heart. I sometimes think that I like Buster better, but I always end up coming back to GOB. I kind of overdosed on Arrested Development a few years ago, but I have a feeling I'll start watching it again, in no small part due to Will Arnett's brilliant portrayal of everyone's favorite failed magician.



1. Charlie Day (It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia)

I can't even describe my love for Charlie. His inarticulate outbursts, his tragic learning disabilities, the fact the he is an abortion survivor all make him one of the most lovable TV characters of all time. Or...maybe he just appears lovable next to the rest of the cast. In any case, the only clip I felt encapsulated the whole of Charlie's spirit is this very short one:

Labels: lists, TV

As many of you know I just turned 25. Boom.

Now that I am old and supposedly grown up and a nuisance to society and whatnot, I feel that I should probably have a quarter-life crisis. Seriously, it's a real thing people (haven't you ever seen a Zach Braff movie?).

I think the key to the quarter-life crisis is to do a bunch of very uncharacteristic things. This is what I'm thinking:

1. I will grow my hair long (really long!) and wear it in a pony tail.

2. I will buy a motorcycle and ride it all year round.

3. I will get into a fight with a random person.

4. I will stop playing the banjo and join a death metal band.

5. Tap dancing!

6. I will invest in a pyramid scheme.

7. I will eat vegetables.

8. I will change my name to "Braden."

9. I will start lifting weights.

10. I will save my money and thoughtfully make prudent purchases that are well within my means.

Labels: birthday, lists

1. Box Score Analysis

2. Accent Emulations (emphasis in Russian)

3. History (of the sitcom)

4. Beard maintenance

5. Nacho Studies

6. Waterslide Science

7. Interior Undecorating

8. Communications

Labels: lists

1) Common maintenance problems of the 1993 Toyota Camry

2) History of the banjo

3) What not to say on a first date

4) The worst menu items at Fazoli's

5) Types of nasal sprays

6) Potent Potables

Labels: lists

Dances that I am very unlikely to participate in:

The Worm
Line dances with the word “boot” in the title
The Sprinkler or any other made-up white person dance

Dances that I may on occasion participate in depending on my state of mind:

The Robot
The Robo-Boogie
The Waltz
Freestyle Hand Gestures
General head nodding or foot tapping

Dances that should only be performed by professional non-Caucasians:

Break Dancing
Roller Skate Dancing
Slam Dancing
Hip Hop
Any “popping” or “locking”(attractive females of any race may perform these at any time)

Made-up dances that I just invented:

The Latino shuffle
The Dirty Wiggle
The Pound Cake
Tickle-Dancing

Labels: lists

Things that have probably never been spoken:

"Those navajo tacos hit me like a nuclear bomb!"

"At some point you'll need to strip off all that paint and then add some moss."

"I walked right up to him and then blew in his ear softly."

"Which setting do I use, pulverize or liquify?"

"The last thing I need right now is a leg amputation. Seriously!"

"I want hair just like Donald Trump."

Labels: lists

One thing that pleases me subtlety; some might say subliminally:

My room is a bit cramped, so I keep my banjo near my closet leaning on my bookshelf. This means that when I grab a shirt or jacket off a hanger, it often brushes across the strings of the banjo. That means that it produces a pleasing G chord since the standard tuning for a banjo is an open G. I like this only enough that I just realized that I like it. Ask me next week and I may not like it anymore.

One thing that bothers me quite bit:

People walking slowly in front of me on campus. My walking speed when I am just trying to get from point A to point B would be considered fast, I guess, but I still end up walking behind the slowest schmoes on the planet. Usually they walk two abreast on the sidewalk, making passing them nearly impossible. If you do try to go around them they shoot you a dirty look like you just insulted them. This bothers me. Why should I be made to feel like I am the inconsiderate one, when they are the ones walking so slowly?



One observation:

The order in which someone phrases their nouns and adjectives can create potentially hilarious situations. For example, at work a few days ago, a woman came over to where I work and asked the lady who's desk is next to mine if she was ready to go to lunch. The woman I sit next to said, "No, I think I'll just stay here and eat my pocket pizza."

This caused me to think of a normal pizza, yet so small that it could fit in someone's pocket, and not as I am sure she meant, a "pizza pocket" which is something different. If the pizza could fit in your pocket it could be no larger that a compact disc, and I believe that is what the pizza industry calls "personal pizzas."

Although, if you were to take the term "pizza pocket" literally it would be a pocket made entirely of pizza that you could theoretically keep other objects inside of. In a looser sense, I guess that a "pizza pocket" is a type of pocket, but why not call it a "calzone" since it is a word that describes exactly what it is? That seems to me like calling scissors "conjoined cutting blades" when you could just say "scissors."

For the sake of argument, let's just say you were going to keep something inside your pocket made of pizza...seems a bit messy to me, unless it was a "pocket pizza" that you keep inside of your "pizza pocket."

I guess in hindsight that the situation wasn't so hilarious, except inside my own head.

Labels: lists

Things I don't ever want to accidentally do:

1. Achieve widespread fame
2. Die
3. Marry someone
4. Find my career path
5. Choke on something

Words I don't use anymore because I dislike them:

1. Fester
2. Hearth
3. Stratagem

Classes I was registered for this semester, but dropped recently because of cowardice:

1. Textile Science
2. Aerobics
3. Drawing I

The best things I did in 2007:

1. Read some books
2. Jump off a rock into a lake
3. Play on a softball team (record: 0-9)

Labels: lists