The Death of Enthusiasm

Sometime during the mid-to-late nineties there descended a strange and repulsive custom among the children and teenagers of northern Utah (and probably the entire world as far as I know). I am of course, talking about dipping Wendy’s French fries into Wendy’s chocolate Frosty desserts.

I mean, really people, this is totally disgusting right? Am I the only one that can recognize this? I know I’m not professor emeritus of Food University over here or anything, but I think that even a toddler could recognize that salted fried vegetables do not combine with frozen chocolate flavored dairy in a pleasing manner.

I feel like Walter Sobchak in the Big Lebowski when he pulls out his gun at the bowling alley and bellows, “HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE MAD?!” only I don’t have a gun and I don’t actually say that phrase out loud, I just think it really intensely. I just can’t believe that when I call out the ridiculousness of dipping your French fries in chocolate ice cream I am met with a chorus of “Oh, but it’s so good! Seriously! You just have to try it!” If we go with this same line of food logic, this list of food combinations should totally be OMG amazing and we should starting eating these right away despite the fact that they are equally disgusting and ridiculous as the Frosty/French fry combo:

1. Drinking a tall glass of pomegranate juice through a hollowed out Slim Jim

2. An entire pineapple filled with garlic infused mashed potatoes and gravy

3. Topping your bowl of peaches and cream with barbeque sauce and sautéed onions

4. Waffles served under a thick layer of Dinty Moore beef stew and cucumber slices

These are like, so delicious you guyz! I mean, I know they sound weird but you just gotta try it!

So, despite the fact that I know that dipping fries into Frost(ies?) is totally gross and I shouldn’t have to try it because, hey I’m a 26-year-old man and I can use my higher cognitive functions to realize this, I decided to go to Wendy’s to see for myself. I went to a Wendy’s restaurant near my house on a Tuesday night and ordered a small French fry and small Frosty dessert.




First impression: Well, it tastes like a French fry with runny chocolate shake all over it. It’s not actively making me wretch or anything, but it doesn’t exactly taste good.

Next three fries: If these fries were slightly less salty I could imagine that I’m dipping something else into the Frosty, but they aren’t. Sorry, I can’t control the salinity of French fries, but I can play the banjo; to each his own.

Last 3 fries: I can’t believe I’ve eaten almost all the fries. I think I’m just trying to suck off the Frosty and swallow it and then eat the fry so the flavors don’t mix as much in my mouth.

Final Verdict: Sorry Frosty Fry people, it’s still gross and I tried it with an open mind. But, see, I already knew it would be gross, because of DUH. So I win, and it’s because of SCIENCE, IN A LAB. You cannot dispute the results of my scientific taste test.

Labels: food

I admit that I am not a healthy eater. Not even a little bit, actually. One thing that seems to make it hard for me to eat better is what I call the "garbage food" dilemma.

For example: Taco Bell. Their entire menu is basically the same three cheap ingredients (nacho cheese, something that is supposed to be beef, and tortillas) mixed into different configurations. By all accounts, this food should only appeal to dogs and possibly coyotes, yet somehow the fact that they have a fairly extensive dollar menu and a location three blocks from where I live makes going there a frighteningly common experience.



As I sit in on my couch, shamefully eating my "double beef burrito" or "triple layer nachos" I experience a strange sensation. Although I recognize that the food is in fact, disgusting, there is some part of my primitive lizard brain that craves it. Here are some other disgusting, yet somehow irresistible foods:

* Burger King's tacos: What's worse than a Taco Bell taco? How about one made at Burger King? The funny thing is that they don't even use grated cheese, it's just a slice of the processed cheese they use on the burgers. Also, the lettuce is not shredded, it's just the chunky kind that also goes on the burgers. Weird.

* Totino's frozen pizzas and pizza rolls: Sometimes I buy these Totino's products and then eat them, and then I feel bad about the whole rest of the day. Totino's Pizzas! We make your self esteem decrease!

Labels: food

I was thinking the other day that if you were to rank the top five items I eat the most (in terms of both quantity and frequency) it would probably go something like this:

5. Various fast food chicken sandwiches (Carl's Junior and Sonic both have great chicken sandwiches)

4. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches (made restaurant style with processed cheese slices)

3. Cold Cereal (I actually don't eat this that much, but it adds up)

2. Various permutations of homemade tacos/burritos/nachos (There's a funny Jim Gaffigan bit about mexican food being the same 3 ingredients prepared in different layers. It's true)

1. Cookies from the cafeteria at work (These are all freshly baked and vary depending on the day, but the peanut butter ones are money)

Pretty unhealthy uh? Check out the top 3 beverages:

3. Diet Pepsi (for when they don't have Diet Pepsi Max)

2. Diet Pepsi Max (This is just Diet Pepsi with more caffeine)

1. Coke Zero Cherry (The king of beverages!)

I know what you're thinking, "If you eat junk all the time, why do you bother with the diet sodas?" Answer: I don't know. It probably has some thing to do with the fact that I'm on the long road to ending up exactly like my Dad (except with hair).

At this point I'm surprised I can even make it up the hill to campus, let alone go snowboarding every week. Don't be surprised if I die abruptly from an extreme onset of intense heartburn.

Labels: food, random