The Death of Enthusiasm

The other night on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Dennis shared his system for picking up girls (or rather, getting girls to fall hopelessly in love with you and then exploiting them). He called it D.E.N.N.I.S. (key steps: Demonstrate value, Engage physically, Nurture dependence, Neglect emotionally, Inspire hope, and Separate entirely).

This made me think of what my own (very successful) system would consist of. I believe it would look something like this:

Concentrate on anything but dating:
The hallmark of the C.H.A.S.E. method of romancing women is going on a few extremely awkward dates every couple of months. If you don’t want to feel bad about not going on that many dates, you have to focus your efforts on something else. In my case, it’s usually my band. Or, drawing cryptic cartoons. Or, reading a lot of experimental fiction. Or, cultivating an unhealthy obsession with certain typefaces. You get the idea. The upside to this is that when you finally do go on some dates your tastes will seem so bizarre and insular you can pretty much guarantee you’ll completely alienate the girl and make her warn all her friends about the kid who organizes his book collection in reverse alphabetical order based on the author’s first name.

Hover uncomfortably in the friend/more than friends no man’s land:
If by some chance you find a girl you enjoy spending time with, by no means should you make your feelings known to her (that is a sign of weakness!). Instead, engage in a series of ambiguous “hangouts” that will confuse and distract her from your true purpose. Watch a movie with her in your room, but don’t cuddle or show any physical affection. Or, take her to get some ice cream and pay for her, but then dodge her texts for a few weeks afterwards. These contradictory actions will keep her off balance and give you the upper hand. If she forces some type of “determine the relationship” talk, pretend that you just wanted to be friends the whole time and then soon after try to make out with her. It’s all about confusion, friends.

Adjust your standards based on the attractiveness of the girl in question:
This means that even though you always talk about how you need to find a really smart girl who has her own opinions and good sense of humor and maybe a similar worldview, you would throw all that out the window if the girl is hot enough. So what if she’s dumb as a bag of rocks and uses the word “irregardless” on a regular basis, she’s hot! What’s that? She goes to beauty school and loves “laying out” and going to Avenged Sevenfold concerts? Who cares, she’s like an 8! Out of 10!

(Bear in mind that once you actually go on a date with any of these attractive, yet awful girls, the whole illusion will be shattered and you’ll be right back where you started, which as you might notice, seems to be the recurring theme of the entire C.H.A.S.E. system.)

Smother any girlfriend with mix CD’s and handwritten notes:
This one pretty much goes without explanation. Once you do get a girlfriend, you need to absolutely drown her in sentimental gifts and mix tapes. Nothing says stable, healthy relationship like an obsessively annotated, thirty song mix CD of early Appalachian bluegrass! If she starts distancing herself, just put together a carefully themed care package that includes, among other items, a novelty coffee mug and a half pint of ice cream. I really don’t see how that couldn’t go over like gangbusters!

Enjoy the constant badgering by your parents and other relatives:
Anyone who isn’t married is obviously miserable and stumbles through life in a half-remembered fog of loss and regret. That is not up for discussion. Parents and other relatives will try to remind you of this whenever they can. Get used to deflecting these questions with half truths and outright lies. Some of the excuses I like to use are:
1. I’m between girlfriends.
2. I have an eating disorder I have to take care of before I can focus on dating.
3. I’m partially gay, and partially a eunuch.
4. I had a girlfriend but she became a socialist by voting for Barack Obama, so I had to dump her. She obviously hates America. (This one is particularly helpful if you have any ultra right wing family members.)
5. I’m a hermaphrodite. It’s complicated.

So, there you have it. I hope by following these steps you too can experience the high level of emotional satisfaction my romantic life gives me.

Labels: brutal self evaluation